Pop Quiz: What kind of dater are you?!?!?!

After a terrible date, do you:

A.) Seek solace in a tub of ice cream.

B.) Drunkenly text ex-boyfriends.


C.) Decide human interaction and companionship go against your nature, forsake the world and everything you've ever known, and abandon the ones you love in order to take on the mantle of the people's crusader, specializing in rescuing women in the midst of terrible dates and relocating them to a safe space where they can eat ice cream and text their exes.

More food jokes!

 A few nights ago, I came upon the following tableau in my living room:

 

My roommate K was laughing hysterically while my other roommate T looked at her with an expression of uncomfortable puzzlement. While K wept with her uncontrollable laughter, T told me what had happened:

"I was making my lunch for tomorrow and all I had was a bowl of quinoa I had made earlier. So I asked her what I could add to it, how I could 'dress up my quinoa.' And she said, 'You could make them tiny tuxedos.'" 

At this point, the narrative was accompanied by K's shrieks of "Tiny tuxedos. Tiny tuxedos!" She was very proud of herself.

Now, this was a funny joke. How to dress up quinoa? In tiny tuxedos!

Quinoa tailors have tiny, nimble fingers.

What was even funnier, though, was my roommate's reaction to her own joke. Others may have never experienced this particular kind of self-inflicted meltdown, but I have. I was at work, surrounded by my three office-mates when I tried to explain why the phrase "Swiss Chad" is the funniest joke in the history of the world. I got as far as saying, "Swiss Chad! Swiss Chad!" before I broke down into hysterics. With very little poise, I ran out of the office--tears streaming down my face--leaving my three co-workers bemused and slightly terrified, I think.

I give my office-mates plenty of reasons to ask each other, "What the hell is wrong with her?"

What they failed to understand was that "Swiss Chad" is how someone with a Boston accent would say the name of the leafy green vegetable "Swiss chard."

I imagine a guy named Chad in the Swiss Alps, his arms full of chard. Some Boston tourists come across Chad with his chard and proclaim, "Swiss chard!" which sounds like "Swiss Chad!" Chad from Switzerland is very confused as to how these strangers know his name and his nationality. 

See? Hilarious.

Perk of Being Rude #29

You never have to discuss topics that don't interest you.

Vegetable Astrology

When the spoon is in the Hollandaise 

And vegetables lie on the grill

Then peas will grow in gardens

And mouths will have their fill.

 

Order today!

I created a line of greeting cards featuring a grouchy yet lovable back-country clam.

Hulk Hobby

Realizing  his activities are solely destructive in nature, The Incredible Hulk decides to broaden his horizons and explore different hobbies.

The Incredible Hulk knits a scarf.

The Incredible Hulk plants a tree.

The Incredible Hulk auditions for Hamlet.

Perk of Having No Shame #17

You always get the last cookie.

There are no atheists on toilets.

After eating an entire box of chocolate-covered chocolate chip granola bars, which contains a total of 8 chocolate-covered chocolate chip granola bars, I feel like:

All of the above.


*WARNING: Consuming multiple pounds of granola treats may cause death. Buoyed by the sudden onslaught of so much sugar and bloated with oat-fueled fearlessness/powerful gas, you may experience feelings of invincibility. However, these feelings will prove tragically erroneous if you engage in epic feats, like bear-fighting.

Time Flies When You're Having Pun.

Serious Cloud

Ball Punyan.

Silly Yak's Disease

Destructive Tendencies

I’m usually pretty awkward with men I’m interested in romantically. Unlike in the movies, however, this rarely leads to guys being charmed by my quirkiness and oddball flavor. Instead, it usually leads to them clutching a wound and me apologizing profusely.

In high school, I playfully pretended to punch Boy* in the face after he said some innocuous and teasing remark. Either because he moved or because I have faulty depth perception, my pretend punch landed right between his eyes. Whereas maybe someone else could have pulled this off by making it seem cute or by getting closer to him to administer first-aid, I just mumbled an apology and tried to disappear.

On one ill-advised occasion, I attempted to be sexy—something definitely not in my usual repertoire. I picked up a lit candle from a nearby table and held it up in front of Boy’s face. “Make a wish,” I whispered sexily, and then I sexily pursed my lips and sexily blew out the candle. I overestimated the breath necessary to extinguish the flame. Hot wax sprayed from the candle, right onto Boy’s face.

Not satisfied with simply inflicting physical harm, I broadened my portfolio to include property damage. Boy was showing off his track stand skills, staying upright and balanced on his bike without touching the ground. So I, of course, pushed him over. What I didn’t realize was that his feet were clipped to his pedals; therefore, instead of simply putting his foot down to brace himself, he went down with his bike. Both Boy and bike were unappreciative of my playful push.

Maybe I should embrace my ineptitude and make it my modus operandi. Some guys like taking risks, right? My motto will be ”You flirt with me, you’re flirting with danger,” or “If I have a crush on you, I will crush you.”

Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.

*”Boy” is not a single entity but represents a collection of past romantic interests. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent.