I’m usually pretty awkward with men I’m interested in romantically. Unlike in the movies, however, this rarely leads to guys being charmed by my quirkiness and oddball flavor. Instead, it usually leads to them clutching a wound and me apologizing profusely.
In high school, I playfully pretended to punch Boy* in the face after he said some innocuous and teasing remark. Either because he moved or because I have faulty depth perception, my pretend punch landed right between his eyes. Whereas maybe someone else could have pulled this off by making it seem cute or by getting closer to him to administer first-aid, I just mumbled an apology and tried to disappear.
On one ill-advised occasion, I attempted to be sexy—something definitely not in my usual repertoire. I picked up a lit candle from a nearby table and held it up in front of Boy’s face. “Make a wish,” I whispered sexily, and then I sexily pursed my lips and sexily blew out the candle. I overestimated the breath necessary to extinguish the flame. Hot wax sprayed from the candle, right onto Boy’s face.
Not satisfied with simply inflicting physical harm, I broadened my portfolio to include property damage. Boy was showing off his track stand skills, staying upright and balanced on his bike without touching the ground. So I, of course, pushed him over. What I didn’t realize was that his feet were clipped to his pedals; therefore, instead of simply putting his foot down to brace himself, he went down with his bike. Both Boy and bike were unappreciative of my playful push.
Maybe I should embrace my ineptitude and make it my modus operandi. Some guys like taking risks, right? My motto will be ”You flirt with me, you’re flirting with danger,” or “If I have a crush on you, I will crush you.”
Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.
*”Boy” is not a single entity but represents a collection of past romantic interests. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent.
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